Nov 22

The Unspoken Truth Of Male Survivors of Rape

The following are excerpts taken from 'When a Man is Raped'

- Written by Margret Roberts, Designed by Georgina Aliferis (2002).

When we hear the word “rape”, our mental image is usually that of a male perpetrator and a female victim. But men do get raped. Just as several decades ago, the rape of women and children was neglected and collectively denied, so also has the rape of men. Few people realise how frequently the rape of men occurs, and even fewer know how to respond in a way that respectfully helps the victim. While some people might acknowledge that some men are raped in prison, most do not think the sexual violation of adult males occurs in the broader community. It is surprising to note therefore that men make up 10% to 15% of all adult sexual assault victims.

However, this is probably an underestimate as men usually do not report their assaults to authorities. When men are raped, the person who usually assaults them is another man. It is possible for women to rape men, although this crime is much less frequent and has been documented and researched to an even lesser extent than same-sex rape. In spite of these figures, very little research has been conducted on the sexual assault of men and some counselling services lack the knowledge and skills to adequately assist male survivors of sexual violence. Unfortunately male survivors of rape have often struggled alone trying to deal with their trauma in isolation. More often than not, they are silenced by the fear that loved ones, police and service providers will fail to support them in their time of crisis.

Of all men who are raped, most (90% to 95%) do not report the crime. There are many reasons that men do not report having been raped or seek help for themselves. It has been found that immediately after the assault, most male rape victims deny to themselves and to others that the assault has happened. This is because they fear the stigma of being thought of as “weak” or fear that others will accuse them of having permitted the rape. Many male survivors find it difficult to name their experience as rape because society teaches us that men can not be victims of sexual assault. Some victims view their rape as just a physical assault and while they might seek assistance for physical injuries, they usually do not seek counselling to help manage the emotional after effects of the rape. Also for male victims, fear of having their sexual identity questioned often prevents them from reporting their assault

If You Are A Rape Survivor You Are Not Alone: Male rape happens more often than most people believe. Remember that you are not alone in your experience. Anyone, regardless of gender, race, age, sexual orientation or physical strength, can be raped anywhere, anytime. You Did Not Cause The Rape To Happen You are the victim of a crime: You did not ask to be raped. You did not cause it to happen. Nothing about a man and nothing he wears, does, or says makes him deserving of sexual assault. Although it is common for many men to blame themselves, it is not your fault. You Did The Right Thing To Survive The Assault: The threat of violence was real and your fear was real. Whatever you did meant that you got out of that situation alive. It is evidence of your ability to survive a threat to your life. Facts About The Rape Of Men: Some men are assaulted by strangers, however in most cases of assault of a male, the victim knows the assailant, with a friend or acquaintance being the most likely offender. Gay men are sometimes assaulted as part of a gay bashing, and indigenous men are also at a higher risk for sexual victimisation, because sexual assault can occur as a part of a hate crime. It is not uncommon for there to be more than one offender. Sexual assaults frequently involve threats of violence or death. Weapons may be used to intensify the threat. Fear is an important weapon used against victims in a crime of violence. Men who have an earlier experience of sexual assault, perhaps in their childhood, often say that they “froze with fear” when the assault started. They say that the situation suddenly reminded them of how they felt when they were young boys. Drugs can also be used to increase the vulnerability of a man to a sexual assault.

Common Reactions Men Experience After Rape: Whether you’re a man or a woman, sexual assault is a trauma. The trauma of sexual assault involves losing control of your own body and possibly fearing death or injury. There are certain ways that human beings react to trauma that are the same for men and women. Rape trauma syndrome is a term that health professionals use to describe the common reactions that occur for both men and women after sexual assault. It is not an illness or abnormal reaction - it is a normal response to an abnormal, traumatic event. What many rape survivors experience is the same as shellshock. This was experienced by front line soldiers in World War 1 and is now called post traumatic stress.

Unique Issues Faced By Male Survivors Of Rape: There is great societal denial of the fact that men get raped. Chances are - except for the occasional bad prison joke - most of us don’t ever hear about the topic of male sexual assault. The need to deny the existence of male sexual assault is partly rooted in the mistaken belief that men are immune to being victimised, that they should be able to fight off any attacker if they are a “real man”. A closely related belief is that men can’t be forced into sex - either they want it or they don’t. These mistaken beliefs allow lots of men to feel safe and invulnerable, and to think of sexual assault as something that only happens to women. Unfortunately, these beliefs can also increase the pain that is felt by a male survivor, and leave him feeling isolated, ashamed and “less of a man”. No wonder so few men actually get help after being sexually assaulted. The fact is that only 5% to 20% of all victims of sexual assault actually report the crime - the percentage for male victims is even lower. Feelings of shame, confusion and self-blame leave many men suff ering in silence after being sexually assaulted.

For most men, the idea of being a victim is very hard to handle. We’re raised to believe that a man should be able to defend himself against all odds, or that he should be willing to risk his life or severe injury to protect his pride and self respect. How many movies or TV shows have you seen in which the “manly” hero is prepared to fi ght a group of huge guys over an insult or name calling? Surely, you’re supposed to fi ght to the death over something like unwanted sexual advances...right? These beliefs about “manliness” and “masculinity” are deeply ingrained in most of us and can lead to intense feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy for the male survivor of sexual assault. Many male survivors may even question whether they deserved or somehow wanted to be sexually assaulted because, in their minds, they failed to defend themselves. Male survivors frequently see their assault as a loss of manhood and get disgusted with themselves for not “fi ghting back”. These feelings are normal but the thoughts attached to them aren’t necessarily true. Remind yourself that you did what seemed best at the time to survive - there’s nothing unmasculine about that. As a result of their guilt, shame and anger, some men punish themselves by getting into self-destructive behaviour after being raped. For lots of men, this means increased alcohol or drug use. For others, it means increased aggressiveness, like arguing with friends or co-workers or even picking fi ghts with strangers. Many men pull back from relationships and wind up feeling more and more isolated. It’s easy to see why male survivors of sexual assault are at increased risk for getting depressed, getting into trouble at work, getting physically hurt, or developing alcohol and drug problems.

Many male survivors also develop sexual difficulties after being sexually assaulted. It may be difficult to resume sexual relationships or start new ones because sexual contact may trigger flashbacks, memories of the assault, or just plain bad feelings. It can take time to get back to normal.

Long Term Communication Strategies: Discussing the assault can often produce a lot of anxiety for men who are raped, yet good communication is important for his long term recovery and to the survival of the valued relationships in his life. However, these relationships are likely to go through a lot of strain in the aftermath of the assault. Communication tends to be shut down, people feel frustrated and helpless, and there may be mutual feelings of resentment. Despite the emotional turmoil you are both going through, there are a couple of things you can do to promote effective communication. Respect his fear. Offenders often make threats of serious physical harm or even death if the victim does not do what they are told, or if they tell anyone what happened. Although this fear remains long after the assault, male victims especially are reluctant to admit they are afraid. Tell him that fear is normal and an understandable response to a situation of overwhelming terror, and that being fearful does not mean he is a coward. Rather, admitting fear is an indication of trust and is a positive step in overcoming that fear. Try to cope with his strong feelings and his mood swings, and remain consistent in your support. Be patient. Listen without being critical and without giving unsolicited advice. Give him the opportunity to express his feelings at a pace that is comfortable to him. If he is reluctant to talk, do not get angry with him. Do not pressure him to self-disclose or “interrogate” him by insisting that he re-tell all the details of the assault repeatedly. Forcing him to be frank and open may cause resentment and withdrawal.

Do not show anger or accuse him of “hiding something” because he did not tell you sooner, or because he did not tell all the details initially. Silence gives him time to sort through the traumatic experience and try to make sense of it. Silence is not a rejection of you. Notice if there are recurring themes in your conversations with him. This may give clues that provide some insight into issues that are troubling him. Sometimes, the experience of being raped can bring up “unfi nished business” for a person, including things that existed before the assault. If the man who has been raped is gay, do not use his victimisation as an opportunity to try to get him to “change” his sexual orientation. This can often happen when family members are struggling with the victim’s choice of sexuality, even before the assault. It will be harmful for both his recovery and your relationship with him, to make comments such as, “See what can happen by hanging out in those places with those people!”. Talk with him about others he may want to discuss the rape with. Remember the rape will be one of the most diffi cult things that he will ever have to deal with. So respect his privacy and do not discuss the assault with anyone else unless he says it is OK. It is important that you both discuss the effect of the assault on your relationship, at some stage. The emotional consequences of sexual assault are traumatic for everyone so it is important to talk about how it is aff ecting you both. Calmly sharing your feelings and your vulnerabilities will encourage the mutual nurturing that helps the recovery process.

At Rape Crisis Helderberg, we endeavour and are passionate about helping ALL survivors or Rape, Sexual Assault, past Childhood Abuse / Incest. Rape is prevalent and does not discriminate against age, gender, race, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Let's extend our understanding to the male survivors and urge them to step forward and seek help. They're our brothers, fathers, grandfathers, sons, nephews, spouses, friends and could be harbouring a shameful secret which needs to be spoken about! Step up and let's engage more in the conversation against sexual violence against men.

(SOURCE: When a man is raped: A survival guide Information for men who have been raped, their parents, partner’s, spouses and friends.